Was that Kiss Really Welcome?
Many circumstances can give rise to a workplace kiss:
The beautiful new hire who lights up when you pass by;
The holiday party hookup fueled by one too many drinks;
Casual conversations at work that slowly turn increasingly personal, until lines blur;
The comfort of praise and attention at work, when things feel rocky at home.
And the list goes on.
Often, both people may seem to be on the same page and be willing participants in the kiss. But is it really consensual? How do you know?
Recognize Power Dynamics
As workplace trainers and coaches, we often encounter workplace relationships gone awry. One person may not have really wanted the physical interaction or did not expect things to go as far as they did - but felt too intimidated or uncomfortable pulling back or saying no. We find that at the heart of these situations often lies a power disparity – when someone holds more influence than they realize and overlooks how that power impacts a colleague’s ability to give genuine consent.
Power dynamics manifest from different reporting relationships and in different ways within an organization, often tied to reporting structures and expertise. Managers obviously have power over their direct reports – but they also hold implicit power over more junior employees in other parts of the organization. Likewise, power can come with levels of expertise. It is not uncommon for employees to need the support of a peer with more knowledge or skills to do their jobs effectively; that peer holds influence. Tenure plays a role as well: the person who has been with an organization for a while and knows how to get things done has power over the newer hire who is still figuring things out. Finally, informal or temporary authority can create a power disparity. For instance, if a manager assigns someone to lead a project or take charge in the manager’s absence, the temporary authority grants power over coworkers with respect to that matter.
Note the “Power Hat”
Where there is a power disparity, the person with greater power must be mindful of what we call their “power hat” before making a romantic or sexual advance toward a colleague with less power. Power is always obvious to the person who lacks it, even when it is used modestly or wisely. The “power hat” stays on 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and can never be removed. Just because a person doesn’t resist, or even seems willing or responsive, does not necessarily mean that the gesture is welcome or that the encounter is consensual.
We are not looking to quash workplace romances. We understand that they are common and can even lead to long-term, happy relationships. However, as workplace investigators, we have seen many situations in which one person, forgetting about their power hat, caused things to become complicated and uncomfortable.
Follow 3 Guideposts
In our role as workplace trainers, we regularly provide one-on-one coaching of individuals who were found to have violated anti-harassment policies. Often, these violations occur when someone in a position of power mistakenly assumes that actions, such as a kiss or gesture, are mutual. In reality, the less powerful employee may not have known how to object – given the power disparity. It is crucial for those in positions of power to be aware of and consider their authority before engaging in romantic or sexual behaviors at work.
Our top three tips:
1. Know Your Power: If you have authority over someone's job or career, even if only for a single project, think twice before making a move — your position can make "yes" feel like the only safe answer.
2. Seek Clear Consent: Never assume. Make sure the other person’s interest is unmistakable and freely given, without hesitation. This means being attentive not only to the words spoken, but also non-verbal indicators of unwillingness or discomfort.
3. Consider the Fallout First: Even a seemingly welcome kiss or sexual advance can ripple through the workplace with unintended consequences. Weigh the impact before you act.