How Do You Teach Civility?

Organizations often seek our assistance in fostering better interpersonal relationships among their employees, often summed up simply as "just be nice." These requests are not about inappropriate touching or offensive slurs (although we obviously get those too); rather, we are hearing concerns about the rude, disruptive and offensive ways that humans interact with humans in the stressful environs of a workplace.  Organizations are frustrated about employees gossiping about their co-workers, interrupting others when they are speaking, eye-rolling at a colleague’s question or suggestion, giggling over one person’s mistake in a meeting, taking credit for someone else’s work, ignoring emails or messages, being dismissive or condescending, refusing to take responsibility for mistakes, not recognizing others’ efforts, or diminishing a coworker’s work….  and the list (unfortunately) goes on. 

While the sentiment is straightforward, the remedy can be more complex. Improving workplace dynamics requires a multifaceted approach that addresses underlying issues and promotes genuine understanding and collaboration among colleagues.  This is not about harassing behaviors generally, although if they persist long enough or are sufficiently targeted then perhaps there could eventually be such a complaint.  Rather, it is the finer details of how people interact. 

Words like “civil,” “polite,” and “respectful” have historically been used to describe the behaviors that employers are seeking to have instilled in their employees.  These terms also encompass the concept of empathy and exhibiting understanding towards colleagues, regardless of differences in opinion or background. Many leaders hope (and assume) that employees already know about such expectations, but we are seeing that either they don’t understand, or perhaps are not expending the time and effort to demonstrate those skills at work.  Simply telling employees which behaviors are problematic does not seem to resolve the issue, and managers do not want to “parent” their direct reports.  So what is an employer to do?

Define Expectations

Organizations should focus initially on their own policies, values, mission statement, or and code of conduct, and confirm that these guidelines articulate a vision of considerate and appropriate behavior. These policies should clearly communicate the values of respect, tolerance, and inclusivity, and emphasize their importance in achieving the organization's goals.  A training on civility should start with and be grounded in those policy statements.A training on civility in the workplace should start with and be grounded in those policy statements and equip employees with the tools they need to navigate interpersonal dynamics respectfully and constructively.

Communications

The way in which we communicate goes well beyond the words we choose, as we also communicate through our physical movements, tone, and cadence, and we each communicate using our own communication style.   We teach employees to appreciate the effect of their own style on others and learn to adapt their communication style to allow for more effective understanding by others.  Advising employees to be attuned to the reactions of others can go a long way to creating positive communications and interactions. We consider the many ways in which we communicate, which go well beyond the words that we choose, and recognize differences in communication styles.  Once those differences have been identified, employees can know what to look out for, when they should consider flexing their style, and how to modify some aspect of the communication so that it is more likely to be effectively received by the other party.

Consider the Impact

Employees can only change their behavior once they understand why and how it may be concerning or hurtful for a particular individual, the work group, and the organization as a whole.  Behaviors that may seem to be small slights to one person can feel more significant to someone else.  When it is not clear why certain behavior is being directed at a particular individual, people will tend to reach varying conclusions, including presumptions of bias based on race, gender, age, or other protected characteristics.  In those situations, the behavior escalates into the category of a “microaggression,” and may present concerns under the organization’s anti-harassment policy. 

When we focus people on the impact of behaviors, and invite employees to consider others’ perspectives, the experience can be eye-opening for all involved.  Realistic case studies in a training class provide context and give people license to share perspectives that are sincerely felt, but perhaps not openly expressed in regular interactions.  Facilitating that discussion enables participants to enhance their understanding of differing perceptions. 

Learn to Give and Receive Respectful Feedback

Finally, we provide employees with a tool for delivering respectful feedback, and thereby empower those who feel slighted by certain behaviors to raise the subject themselves with the person engaged in the concerning behavior.  Participants in our programs learn how to prepare for these conversations, what to say, how to phrase it, and how to end the statement.  Participants also learn how to receive respectful feedback, and what it conveys in terms of future expectations.  Empowering employees to share feedback with one another is key to building more collaborative relationships, and thereby improving the civility of workplace interactions.

Being Proactive Makes a Difference

We believe that most people intend to be good employees, nice managers, kind colleagues – but in reality, may be unaware of how some of their behaviors are perceived and interpreted and/or may not know that devoting time and attention to being civil at work is expected and required.   By being proactive with policies and training, organizations find ways to prevent mistakes from turning into complaints and significant workplace problems.